The only thing that makes me hope, makes me sit up a bit straighter and not let the enemy whisper "imposter" into my thinking as I mess up yet again, is the reality that one day I will indeed belong. All will be as it was intended. I will be fully at home (and it won't be in the States or Belgium!). I will be at peace with who I am created to be and who I am and where I am. Thank God for his enormous grace which gives me the identity of his daughter and a joint heir of his kingdom. Thank God it doesn't matter how often I feel differently about myself or make mistakes or stupidly hurt others, he still loves me and it doesn't change who I am. Thank God that he created us with humor and that I can laugh at moments like at the checkout when the reality of how much I don't "fit" in this world is right in my face! Thank God that he loves me through the questioning of how this other kingdom reality plays out in this world that isn't quite as intended. As I quit looking at the disparity in my own being, may I look upon the one who perfected living in a world where he truly was an outsider but not an imposter. May my life reflect that kind of entering into and being with those around me. And hopefully, as I carry his light inside, bits of it will shine out around to those who see me and they will see me for who and what I really am. And then, they will see Him for who He really is.
The other day I read a blog post about being an imposter. Today as I checked out at the local grocery store I totally felt it. I have confidence as I shop now, am familiar with strange ingredients and things that look almost-but-not-quite what I'm looking for. I ask other shoppers questions when I notice something they found that I haven't seen before. I overhear conversations and understand them. I know about bringing my own shopping bags or using empty boxes from the store and I have the timing down to a science when to go so it's not too busy. Then I get to the checkout. I listen to the clerk's conversations with other customers. I understand them. I have my own conversations and responses in my head. When it's my turn I return the greeting with confidence. Then as I put my items into my bag/box I freeze and am silent. As I choke out "bancontact" to pay I feel invisible and publicly exposed all at the same time. I smile and return the farewell as the clerk finishes the transaction and I walk out feeling disappointed in myself that this same scenario happened yet again. It certainly makes me feel like an imposter. What am doing pretending here? The feeling of not belonging comes at the weirdest times (like my grocery store situation-which sadly is quite frequent). This has made me think a lot about belonging, and identity. It makes me critically think through the difference between acting as though I belong in order to learn to belong, or acting as though I belong to hide that I don't belong. Is one really worse than the other? Are there moments that call for those situations? In a world-and frankly, as part of a generation-that values authenticity so highly, I struggle with this one. There's a difference I think, between living as an imposter in order to fool others, and living as an imposter because I am something from somewhere else living incarnational in a place that really isn't my home. Jesus did this. He wasn't trying to sneak past humanity, hiding his God-ness, just to pull a fast one on them. However, he wasn't completely one of us, he didn't completely belong. I mean, he was fully one of us (while still being God...try to wrap your head around that one!) but he didn't belong to humanity. He didn't belong to the fallen world he was constrained by. I feel the lack of belonging so acutely in a foreign culture. But honestly, it's living as a human created in God's image yet living in a world that's not-as-it-was intended that makes me feel the most out of place. I guess this discomfort is a good sign-a sign I do belong indeed to another kingdom. I'll be honest though, it doesn't make suffering any easier here. It doesn't feel any better to experience loss and disappointment. Pain and injustice are not made less crushing because its not what was supposed to be.
The only thing that makes me hope, makes me sit up a bit straighter and not let the enemy whisper "imposter" into my thinking as I mess up yet again, is the reality that one day I will indeed belong. All will be as it was intended. I will be fully at home (and it won't be in the States or Belgium!). I will be at peace with who I am created to be and who I am and where I am. Thank God for his enormous grace which gives me the identity of his daughter and a joint heir of his kingdom. Thank God it doesn't matter how often I feel differently about myself or make mistakes or stupidly hurt others, he still loves me and it doesn't change who I am. Thank God that he created us with humor and that I can laugh at moments like at the checkout when the reality of how much I don't "fit" in this world is right in my face! Thank God that he loves me through the questioning of how this other kingdom reality plays out in this world that isn't quite as intended. As I quit looking at the disparity in my own being, may I look upon the one who perfected living in a world where he truly was an outsider but not an imposter. May my life reflect that kind of entering into and being with those around me. And hopefully, as I carry his light inside, bits of it will shine out around to those who see me and they will see me for who and what I really am. And then, they will see Him for who He really is.
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AuthorsCarolyn & (sometimes) Ty Archives
March 2016
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